Sunday, February 12, 2006

Anniversaries and lighter fare

A friend just commented on my blog, she lost her grandmother last year too. This week is the anniversary of my grandma's death. Last weekend we spent in LA celebrating the birthday of close friend's child. He was born the day my grandmother passed, and it is anniversaries like this that I cannot set down. One week to the day of her death a second injustice fell on my family and I find myself still grieving for both these days. They are all wrapped and twisted together, anger and loss and sorrow. I'm trying to untangle them, sort them out in my brain.

Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my closest friends about aging. We agreed that we both felt like much younger people inside, as we witness our bodies grow older around our children's minds. I told her of the surreal feeling I have from time to time with my children. Squatting on a curb with one on each side I wonder, 'who allowed me to watch these two creatures?' And it is because I am 8, and they are one and three. I realize now that this is why my grandmother's death has continued to be so difficult for me. While of course I miss her presence in my life, it is more. Inside there is a part of me that will always be 8. And when I was 8 my grandmother represented safety and love and comfort in every way. I realize now that I am branded with that notion, and now that she is gone I struggle with my definitions. How can a person find comfort without a grandmother's lap to lay her head? I don't know.

I feel like a disclaimer is necessary here. I have been terribly negligent with this blog, only turning to it in moments of distress. My life is rich with my family and work and love and creativity. So much so that I have only come back here in these niches, when these losses build up and I need somewhere to put them.

Enough of that, I have need to update on boring Mama things. Chocolate is talking like a madman these days. He knows all kinds of delightful concepts like high and heavy and 'another!'. Each of which he uses regularly to comment on the world around him. His brother and he wrestle and have tickle-fights and dress up like Superheroes on a regular basis. While Cai prefers Captain America and dresses up in the foamy-muscle costume on nearly a daily basis, Choco prefers Batman and Spiderman (At-man) and (Pie-man) and has become so insistent on wearing t-shirts or costumes with their logos that I've been forced to let him cruise out in 40 degree weather with nothing but an undershirt with a black bat on it.