Bad Dreams
I had the most horrendous, horrible dream last night. I woke up at 6am this morning like they do in the movies: eyes snapped wide open, I didn't go back to sleep. I thought I was watching a movie that was the reenactment of a book my friend had written - you know how these things go. Well it was a kind of funny horror movie, black humor. I laughed a lot but I kept telling her that if anything happened to kids or babies I would have to look away, I can't watch that. As the movie went on it became real, I was in it. But I didn't realize I was in it until I saw my father. I really can't even write it down now, don't want to. But I watched my family die, the adults, and then I closed my eyes, and opened them in real life.
Why do our minds do these things? I know, it's just processing out the crap. In the dream there was the snow white peacock Cai and I always admire at the zoo, and a batch of sprinkled cupcakes we made yesterday. But it's the bad stuff I don't understand. I'm sounding like a 5 year old now, fuck it.
Speaking of cupcakes, I made a batch yesterday with Cai under the guise of being a good mother. The truth is I just wanted to chow on some cupcakes. I had two for breakfast this morning. Glad I got that off my chest.
The good side of cupcakes is that I was thinking yesterday of this time when I was pregnant with Solomon when I didn't write at all. It was in the last 6 weeks or so of my pregnancy and I was cloaking myself in contentment, really feeling the need to 'baby' myself. So I ate cupcakes. Ok, not that much. But what I was remembering was those last few weeks when I rented movies for myself nearly everyday and at night after Cai was asleep and Jaya was watching TV I would put a movie on the little DVD player and curl up in our bed with lots of pillows and blankets and watch these movies, sometimes twice if I didn't fall asleep halfway through. One of those movies was 'In America', which is one of the most gorgeous, heartbreaking movies I've ever seen. I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess it all comes full circle. After 'watching' a movie like I did in my dreams last night I'm taken to a place where I want to curl up at the feet of my sleeping children. I want to pile ripe oranges around their fragile little ankles and light red sticks of cool incense. This is the place I want to leave and remember all at once.
Why do our minds do these things? I know, it's just processing out the crap. In the dream there was the snow white peacock Cai and I always admire at the zoo, and a batch of sprinkled cupcakes we made yesterday. But it's the bad stuff I don't understand. I'm sounding like a 5 year old now, fuck it.
Speaking of cupcakes, I made a batch yesterday with Cai under the guise of being a good mother. The truth is I just wanted to chow on some cupcakes. I had two for breakfast this morning. Glad I got that off my chest.
The good side of cupcakes is that I was thinking yesterday of this time when I was pregnant with Solomon when I didn't write at all. It was in the last 6 weeks or so of my pregnancy and I was cloaking myself in contentment, really feeling the need to 'baby' myself. So I ate cupcakes. Ok, not that much. But what I was remembering was those last few weeks when I rented movies for myself nearly everyday and at night after Cai was asleep and Jaya was watching TV I would put a movie on the little DVD player and curl up in our bed with lots of pillows and blankets and watch these movies, sometimes twice if I didn't fall asleep halfway through. One of those movies was 'In America', which is one of the most gorgeous, heartbreaking movies I've ever seen. I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess it all comes full circle. After 'watching' a movie like I did in my dreams last night I'm taken to a place where I want to curl up at the feet of my sleeping children. I want to pile ripe oranges around their fragile little ankles and light red sticks of cool incense. This is the place I want to leave and remember all at once.
