Cocoon

So we've been watching our ladybug larvae every day. I wish I had taken photos in the beginning. They were not what I expected. Long narrow black beetle-like bugs with six legs and whitish spots. They have grown quickly and yesterday Cai and I tried once again to count them. They've been busy skittering around doing larvae-like things, but we think there are 13 or 14.

Well today we checked them and they were all pretty still. At first I panicked and ran to fill their water. I was afraid I had forgotten and dehydrated the lot. Then I looked closer and realized they have gone into their next stage of development. They are attached, mostly to the clear plastic dome lid, and kind of curled into themselves like potato bugs. Several hours later we looked again and two of them had developed a cream colored cocoon that covered everything but their little faces. So quickly!

I keep walking by the little container and each time I catch a glimpse of the little Buddha-bugs I have a feeling of calm, it is an utterance of awe. It is a feeling I can't describe, reverential, it is what I think a miracle might look like on a cloudy day in April. These little creatures are changing right in front of us.

I'm hoping that 40 years from now my boys are reading this, my sweet sons. I'm hoping that you read this and that you understand what I am talking about, if only just a little bit. I am talking about what many people call God. At this moment in time that I am writing, it's taken the form of baby ladybugs inside our home. It is also in the form of you two, one fat baby wrapped in a cotton quilt in my bed and a second three year old ball of wonder eating sugar snap peas and running down the hall whispering to me that he is Spider-man.

I try so hard to see into the future, to see these men that I have the honor to love as boys. I hope with everything I have that I can help you both catch a glimpse of the inordinate beauty that exists, and that you find a way to hold onto a piece of that feeling. As I see it, what that equals is joy, and that is my only goal for you two.

Entry

We are finally making headway with our planting. Today Cai and I planted tons of Narcissus, Sweet Peas, snapdragons, forget-me-nots, carrots and peas. Tomorrow we will add three different types of Morning Glory and beets.

I thought about my grandma a lot. We also bought a gallon of those blue daisies. She had those in her garden when I was growing up. Forget-me-nots too. I loved the tiny blue flowers when I was little, it was the color that she and I always had in common.

After I told Cai about it he said, "Mama, when I was little my Pop-pop always had deez wittle daisies in his garden." He dug up weeds today, and watered seeds, it all felt good.

I had insomnia last night for the first time in years. I thought about all the times recently I had been impatient with the kids, snapped at Jaya. My therapist whom I now see about once every year said that it is the biggest secret in America - how difficult it is to have children. He says that with each stage of their development we as parents are secretly brought back to that stage in our life and have to suffer a little at the bad parts.

I have realized the past year has been so hard on me because of my expectations. I really believed that if I studied my mother enough and made different choices, I wouldn't be anything like her. Now each time I am stressed, each time the kids pull me in different directions - I see her come out and I am miserable about it. I realize now that I really believed that if I tried hard enough I could be the perfect mother. Cai was such an easy baby that I was able to pull it off for a short while. Then Choco came along and suddenly there is never enough time. Suddenly everyone wants my attention at once and I can't really spend quality time with either of them. That throws me into a space where I just want to check out. I really hate that feeling, the feeling of not being able to be a good mom to either of them.

It is also the lack of solitude that is killing me. I like to be alone. I need to write, make things. My kids are so used to me here, and I feel so incredibly guilty leaving them for even a couple of hours. It's something I have to get over, because solitude is a huge part of my well being.

So next weekend I am supposed to go to Texas to help host a baby shower for one of my oldest friends. I have been stressed about this for months, trying to decide if all four of us should go or just Solomon and I. I have only been away from Cai for one night, the night I had Choco. After going back and forth forever we've finally decided that Cai and Poppa will have a weekend together and Choco and I will take a trip together. The fact of the matter is, Cai will be fine and thrilled to have alone time with his dad. The heart of the issue took me a long time to figure out, but I finally realized that it is exactly this: I am terrified of the thought of Cai feeling for one single second abandoned and unloved the way I felt by my mother. How fucking boring and psycho-babbly is that? Yes, but true. Anyway, I figured out that Cai won't feel that way and as long as I keep the dogs at bay I will survive that fear and anxiety.

The long and the short of it is I'm seriously considering starting Choco on cow's milk next weekend cause Mama's got to drink. Ok, I'm a sucky alcoholic, but maybe I'll just eat a lot of chocolate and sleep in instead.