Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Happy Birthday

Today I turned 33 years old. Last year was so different. Just me and my oldest boy on a date. This year I had all three of my men in full celebration mode. We danced, we sang, we went shopping. On the way we listened to a new CD I got for Christmas. Cai told me he liked one song that I happen to love. The lyrics tell of a man who has lost his love and is saying goodbye. I know, cheesey. Whatever, I love sap and he's a bad-ass songwriter. Anyway, at the end he say's he's 'hollow' over and over and Cai asked me what the word means. I told him the guy is sad. He asked why. I told him he loved a girl that doesn't want to be with him anymore. Then Cai listened more closely, caught the word 'lover' and asked to explain that. I looked to Jaya who shrugged me off. I explained as best I could. "You and I love eachother, but when you are a grown up you choose one person you are going to live with and love forever and it's like me and your Papa. We love eachother and we decided to be together and to make babies like you and Choco and sleep in the same bed forever." He seemed satisfied and then asked why the man's lover didn't love him. I explained sometimes that's life and he said, "Oh, Mama. That's so sad." He said it in such a sincere way, and his eyes literally were filled with tears. It kills me and makes me proud at once. I'm so happy to have a three year old with empathy, even though I know it can make life more painful.

Today is a day I rarely think of my mother. But last night with midnight approaching I did. I imagined her 33 years ago lumbering around on Christmas, waiting, hoping. I tried to imagine myself floating around inside of her. Cai tells me that before he was born he lived 'far, far out in the country in a big beautiful house'. Then he changes the circumstance with new things he learns. Last week after we saw a homeless man he said, "I lived in the country but I didn't have my house and I didn't have any food and I was hungry. I was the most hungry boy in the world." A couple of months ago he told me he lived in the country in a big beautiful house with lots of trees and goblins and fairies. I never doubt these stories.

Anyway, I can't imagine what I was doing before I was born. In fact, I can't really imagine what I was doing before I was about five years old. But I can see my mom. I've seen pictures of her big and pregnant and tan. I don't know why she was tan in December, but she was. I've seen her scream and I've seen her cry so I can imagine what she looked like in labor. They say that after you become a parent you forgive your own. That isn't true with me. After I became a parent I blamed my mother even more. However, it is age that is coaxing me into being more kind to my mother. It is days like today, my 33rd birthday, where I push myself to remember that she does her best, even if I know it could be better.

But today wasn't really about my mom, or even my kids. Today was about milestones and getting older and loving it. Don't get me wrong, I want to look like I did at 16. But I fucking love getting older. I get smarter and more interesting and happier every moment I'm alive.

Jaya gave me a Fleetwood Mac CD for my birthday. I grew up with them, my father had, still has, a vicious crush on Stevie Nicks. Last week he told me he was in the hardware store and two teenagers were talking about how hot she was. The 50-something clerk asked them if they knew Stevie was as old as she was. The went "Ewwww!" Whatever. Stevie fucking rocks. She read my mind today:

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down