Life

This weekend we drove to the villa among giant bolts of silent lightning. 11pm up highway 5 every few minutes the entire horizon would light up and each time I would search for signs, a message. There was none. I don't know why I think that there is meaning in everything, but I am convinced there is. Cai rolled like puppies with his lovely cousins for two days. We went to the snow and roasted hot dogs over an open fire. Lo was bundled like the sweetest little snow bunny and I tried hard to relax but couldn't. Now, back in the city for the past two days I've found my temper short and the days long. I'm beginning to wonder a lot of things. I'm not the mother I should be and a friend of mine told me not to expect to be. Shit. Anyway, I'm working on the speech for my grandmother's memorial Saturday. I will be the only one speaking in her family. How do you sum up 90 years of a life when you only witnessed 32?

Today was the three year anniversary of Cai's due date. Karin remembered and sent me a sweet email. When Cai asks me to recount his birth story, we always talk about the day he was supposed to come and the many days after that he didn't. He always laughs at his own stubbornness. I sent Jaya an email reminding him and thanking him. I've been a princess to live with recently and after all he is such a good man. Not only does he tolerate my shit and smile, he gave me our babies too - big props to the Big Poppy.

Cai keeps saying he wants to be a baseball player when he grows up. Last night I had a headache and he asked where. I showed him the back of my head and he touched it with one finger and then pulled away quickly "Owww! It stinged me Mama!" I looked at his sincere face, his little furrowed brow and kissed his tiny injured finger. I had no idea my headache was that powerful. He then put each of his soft little hands on my cheeks, leaned in so we were nose to nose and said in a whisper, "You are so special."