ARGH!

I seem to be made of frusteration these days. You would think I would be able to spell it if I was so familiar with it. Anyway, my boys are boys. The little one has taken to experimentally biting me while nursing. It is NOT funny. Ok, he thinks it's funny, but it hurts like crazy. So while the small one is biting me, the large one is being an out and out jerk. He is going through some huge emotional ups and downs. He's a two year-old with major PMS. He has me running around like a crazy person trying to contain myself. Trying not to lose my temper everytime he talks back or refuses to get dressed. I'm reading and asking questions and watching him to figure out whats going on. I am so fearful because at times he goes into a rage and I wonder what I have done to my sweet child. I watch him sleep and I'm so sorry for every moment I was not praising him, every time I got annoyed. This is such hard work. And it's true what they say it's the most difficult job in the world and it's because there is a person on the line. If I fuck this job up, I won't lose a client or lose money. If I fuck this job up I will hurt my son. That is incredible pressure. All this is making me more aware of how much I beat myself up. How so many days I feel like such a failure. I look at myself and know that I will never be the mother either of them deserve. I know this is pointless and silly, but it's just what I do. So I'm trying to really focus. I'm trying to really work harder than ever to take care of them and myself. It's this insane balancing act. If I take care of them and myself creatively then my domestic life falls apart. Mounds of dishes and sleeping on piles of laundry. If I pick up the slack I seem to be spent creatively. A perfectly clean house and me in the middle of it with not a thing to say. I'm hoping that the two don't cancel eachother out. I'm hoping that you can be organized and creative. I'm trying to work that out right now. The best mom for my boys is both.

Side note: Choco has his first baby trick. He waves. Yes, you say 'bye-bye' and he does the most gorgeous little wave. Ah, brilliant just like the first.

Secondly: Cai and I were walking out of Costco the other day, dusk had fallen and he said 'night!'. I agreed and then he turned to me and said, "Nighttime is the righttime." In a not-so-subtlely suggestive tone. I laughed and said, "The right time for what?" And he shrugged and laughed and said, "I dunno, dat's what my papa always says."