I've been wanting to blog like crazy recently, but it's been impossible to find the time. So here I am with a couple of extra minutes, a baby on my lap and a blank mind. Suddenly I can't think of much to say. rhjbvgnj OK, that was my Lo and now I've relinquished him to the other parental unit. So Christmas. Right. Christmas Eve Lo woke up gassy and then proceeded to scream for 45 minutes with a high fever. Of course it was normal baby stuff. But my paranoid, terrified mind was sure if some unknown horrible illness was going to take my boy from me of course it would be on Christmas. So at 4am Christmas morning I was navigating the icy roads 18 miles to the doctor. He had the chills and we had to drive so slow and of course by the time we arrived he was happy as a pig in shit gooing an gaing at the doctor with a wee temp just under 100. So we raced back to join his big bro for the gorgeous surprise that Christmas morning always is. We are at our mountain villa this week (those of you who have seen it know what a villa it is). Santa came with fat stockings, lots of goodies and a decorated Christmas tree to boot. Cai's eyes almost popped out of his head. And while I hoped for snow for my boy - the white Christmas us California kids only read about - the day passed full of sunshine. However, Santa is tricky and in the night, surely before midnight he graced us with the magic and when we woke up this morning it was a winter wonderland. As the day has passed the snow has been building. It is so beautiful outside I won't even try to describe it. For the past two hours the snowflakes have been enormous. It looks like a million white feathers are falling from the sky.

So tomorrow is my birthday and I've been a bit grumpy for a variety of dumb reasons. Last week I tripped across a site called California Hammonds
Without going into great detail, it is a blog a guy keeps about his family, especially his wife who died earlier this year of cancer at 37. She left behind two babies, 8 and 3 I think. It is a brave, loving incredible document and a privilege to read. Without going into huge detail, reading this blog left me crying like a baby and really reexamining how I live my life. This man's amazing devotion and loss has humbled me more than usual. I am making a greater effort to be lucid every second, soak it up. Also, I am trying to battle my ongoing terror of losing my children and focus on my good fortune of being with them now. This woman, Cheryl, fought for six years to live and continue to raise her children. I can barely wrap my mind around what it would feel like to leave my kids motherless. To know I was leaving them unprotected in the world. While I've never had a fear of dying myself, I'm now realizing how important my presence is. While mothers are crazy and flawed and confusing, they are also imperative. I'm learning to count my blessings in new ways now. Maybe not in a way that is so full of fear and longing, rather in gratitude and awe of all this miraculous stuff.