What has passed

Two days before my grandmother's service I went to a city meeting about my cousin's rape. Lo screeched his head off when the rape crisis counselor showed everyone how to holler when an assailant approaches. My auntie cried through most of the meeting. I got the giggles when some of the crazies who go to such meetings got up and spoke about their dead rabbits and why they still don't have boyfriends.

Anyway, there's no undoing it and even though I've been thinking up all kinds of good bargains it seems that's not an option. Like I would trade my dog's life to undo the rape. I love my dog, but god he's a dog and while it's not my right to trade him in, if asked I would definitely make the barter. I sound like such an ass. I don't care cause I just want my cousin to be ok again, and she won't be, at least not in the same way.

My grandma's service was Saturday and it was just lovely. I was the only person scheduled to speak in addition to a friend of hers. However the pastor opened up the floor and all these people volunteered to speak about her. This included two of my dad's sisters which was so nice, especially since they are as close to siblings as my mom will ever have. The night before the service I bought a fortune worth of flowers from this florist I worked for in high school. He wanted too much to do the arrangements himself so I did them myself. I have to say my grandma would've loved it. I did about a dozen vases filled with lavender and yellow freesia, tangerine spray roses, giant daffodils, callalilies, purple waxflower, tons of alstromeria (that was her favorite), white baby roses, purple tulips and the most amazing smelling stargazer lilies. We had a giant thing of great coffee and two smaller ones of hot cocoa with giant marshmellows. Tiny sweet potato biscuits filled with sweet cream cheese and candied pecans, baby BLT's on tiny little buttermilk biscuits, blueberry coffee cake, breakfast cookies, scones, muffins and the most gorgeous fruit salad I can imagine. My grandma would've loved it. In my next life I will have a party like this for my grandma before she dies. I'll buy her a pretty new outfit, have her nails done and get a comfy chair to set right in the middle of the room where she can soak up all the love and attention that was hers that day.

At the service Jaya read this:

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

My mom requested it. She also asked for Ave Maria and Danny Boy which were sung by a friend of my cousin Chris and really, truly heartbreakingly beautiful. Chris accompanied on piano for the first and the woman, Michelle, accompanied herself for Danny Boy on guitar. Mordecai played with Jaya's cell phone the whole service and several times said, "Hello?" really loud which added some much needed comic relief. This is what I read more or less. Well, I half read it and half just said it. In the beginning I choked up a bit but I pulled it together and felt good about it in the end...

Two weeks ago my mother called me and said, “Grandma just died”. And those words hit me in a way that they have run through my mind over and over everyday since. My grandmother was approaching her 91st birthday, so you’d think that her death would not come as such a surprise. But my grandmother was such a constant presence in my life that I think there was part of me that believed she would be here forever. And now she’s not. And we’re all left here to figure it all out and I’m here to tell you something about who she was and what she was to me. I only knew her for a third of her life, mostly as a grandmother. Before I came along she was also a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother. What I can tell you about my time with her is that my Grandma Ellie was always kind, had a great sense of humor was without fail consistent. I know that’s not an exciting thing to say about someone who just spent nearly a century on this planet, but I also know how much it counts. Ellie was always supportive and loving to her friends and family. She was generous and endlessly devoted. She cared for me as a baby, taught me as a young child, tolerated me as a teenager, supported me through young adulthood. Witnessed my mistakes and while she was conservative, the daughter of a Lutheran minister, she never once passed judgment, not once did she do anything less than tell me I was loved and cherished. Consistency like that is not a glamorous trait, but it is all-encompassing. As a child it gave me a profound sense of security and a belief that I had infinite value.

The week before my grandmother died she was dreaming about the people she had lost, her husband, family and friends. At the time my mother did not know she was preparing to die, but she tells me now that each night my grandma would look forward to going to sleep and say, “I wonder what I’ll dream about tonight”. She was looking forward to her dreaming life with all the people who had passed, I wonder now if maybe they were welcoming her. Visiting her in her dreams to help her make the journey over. She passed quietly late one Friday afternoon. And while she took us by surprise, she made her way out of this world as she did everything, peacefully with grace and a subtle magic that she maintained until the end.

And while we were all surprised by her exit, I think it has affected my mother, her daughter most of all. My grandma and my mom had an intimate relationship, more than mother and daughter, more than friends. My parents have cared for and lived with my grandmother for the past decade and while it was not always easy, it was a labor of love and an amazing example of what family means. Ellie leaned on mom emotionally, physically and spiritually, and I know she will enjoy watching my mother embrace the new freedom that life has presented to her.

My grandmother always celebrated our lives with us. And today I am proud and happy to celebrate who she was. She saw each one of us, daughter and son-in-law, grandchildren and great-grandchildren as perfect creatures. Her great grandsons most of all. We have all enjoyed watching her love affair with my boys these past three years and are grateful they have had the time together.

I told my three year old son Mordecai the other day that Great Grandma Ellie was gone, that we wouldn’t see her again. Naturally he was distressed, but his biggest concern was that she wouldn’t see us again. He kept saying, “But Mama, we can’t leave Great Grandma alone.” I explained to him that his Great Grandma is far from alone, that now she is with Great Grandpa and her mom and dad, brothers,sisters and friends. He seemed happy to get this piece of information and then said to me in his wise three-year old way, “Then Mama, she has just died, don’t worry. It’s just like when you go for a walk and then you start sinking in deep, deep snow.”

Thank you for joining us today to help remember and celebrate Ellie. I have felt her with me these past few days. She was a modest woman, but also one who adored a bit of attention, so I have no doubt she’s watching us today pleased beyond measure at the love brought here in her honor.