Insomnia

Is anyone else not sleeping? I go down easily, like Solomon on warm milk. But 3am hits and it seems I’m awakened without cause. A friend mentioned staying up late as well. I’m feeling hopeful that it is some phase, imagining legions of women, worn-thin colored like old wine and up at 3am in tandem with me and my milk-warm baby nestled in my lap. This thought is lending comfort right now. Misery loves company don’t you know. Not to say there is all sadness. It’s thundering out, but we are warm in here. Cai and I are talking about flying our new dragon kite if the clouds leave for tomorrow. I had a good cry last week. Snapping green beans I had a moment where my grandma could’ve been standing in front of me. Yesterday I thought of her again. I’ve been wearing her silver lily earrings and somehow I’ve convinced myself that when I wear them she will see all I see. I didn’t have bacon to add to the beans, she always simmered them low and long so the scent worked it’s way into her apron, tucked me into bed that night and met me the next morning. Two days ago Cai and I stood in the rain and watched ladies in giant pom-pons belly dance and laughed. Everything else was washed away. The feeling sticks with me now, but so does the late nights of bad TV. Cai keeps saying, “Mama, I wish cups were for babies and bottles were for big boys.” I can’t think of anything to say but, “So do I, Sweetpea.” This blog is catching up with me. I write in it everyday, in my head I dictate all I see and do and hear. These weeks are tripping me up, it’s on my To-Do list to catch it up. People have died, moments have passed and I want to get it all down where it won’t be forgotten. Soon, I keep telling myself.