Queen for a day
I'm wondering what the true definition of abdication is. Last night as I closed the gate to our cabin and prepared for the grueling 3 hour car ride home, I thought of this word. Looking at the taillights of our big red SUV, thinking about my precious boys, lovely man and faithful dog inside, I thought of closing the gate, but with myself on the other side. I stood there for only a few seconds, but what ran through my mind is this: What if the lock clicked into place and Jaya saw me through the rear view mirror? Would he think I was a ditz? Would he think it was a momentary lapse? How long would it take him to figure out it wasn't, and what would he do? Would he turn the car around and try to coax me home? Would he call from behind the gate? Would he drive across the road and call my parents from the payphone? Or would he just drive on over the mountain?
I highly doubt the final question, but it is what went through my mind as I closed the padlock and walked through the rain to the passenger door. I don't want to defend my life here, because the truth is, it is an awe-inspiring life to me. But now and then I have to admit that I wonder what would happen if I suddenly made some unconventional decisions - took the road less traveled so to speak. Well the reason that I just wonder these things and don't do them has nothing to do with bravery I'm happy to report. Obviously I'd ruin my kids, in addition to the fact that I can't really think of anything I'd rather do with my life. I guess the fantasy really just comes from the want for some solitude. I'm wanting that right now. But I'm also wanting to keep my life afloat. So between writing for clients, writing for myself, taking care of my kids, giving my kids attention and love, keeping my garden alive, keeping my pets alive, attempting to keep up on housework and oh, yeah, this little thing called a relationship I'm in, well, it is sometimes hard to squeeze me in. Even though I am a size 2. For those of you who know me, shut up. And by the way, it really should be a rule that the quantity of chocolate a person can consume is directly related to how much or how often she is thrown up on everyday. Really.
I highly doubt the final question, but it is what went through my mind as I closed the padlock and walked through the rain to the passenger door. I don't want to defend my life here, because the truth is, it is an awe-inspiring life to me. But now and then I have to admit that I wonder what would happen if I suddenly made some unconventional decisions - took the road less traveled so to speak. Well the reason that I just wonder these things and don't do them has nothing to do with bravery I'm happy to report. Obviously I'd ruin my kids, in addition to the fact that I can't really think of anything I'd rather do with my life. I guess the fantasy really just comes from the want for some solitude. I'm wanting that right now. But I'm also wanting to keep my life afloat. So between writing for clients, writing for myself, taking care of my kids, giving my kids attention and love, keeping my garden alive, keeping my pets alive, attempting to keep up on housework and oh, yeah, this little thing called a relationship I'm in, well, it is sometimes hard to squeeze me in. Even though I am a size 2. For those of you who know me, shut up. And by the way, it really should be a rule that the quantity of chocolate a person can consume is directly related to how much or how often she is thrown up on everyday. Really.
2 Comments:
xoxoxoxoxo
I know what you mean. Just because this is the life I want the most, how come I can't have all of the lives I could have lived.
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